The Moment I Realised I Wasn't Enough... And How It Sparked My Journey Towards Self-Love

I remember clearly as a teenager the first time I was truly overwhelmed by a situation I didn’t know how to handle emotionally, I reluctantly turned to my mother and asked for help.

Before I could tell her anything she said “Don’t bring me any more problems, don’t you think I’ve got enough on my plate with your dad and your sister?”

It had taken me so much courage to approach her, I knew the rules, and I knew I was responsible for myself, my life, my problems and my happiness, but in that moment, I learned something else – that I wasn’t as worthy of my mother’s time, thoughts and love as my sister and my father.

Until this point it was only a belief I held, a feeling that had been denied with words but now here was the proof.

At that moment I realised I wasn’t enough.  I was flawed in a way that even my own mother didn’t love or cherish me enough to hold space for my problems, my fears, and my heartache. 

In that moment I realised that I was truly alone in the world, that if I wasn’t enough for my own mother then I would never be enough for anyone.

Fast forward to the birth of my first child, my father had died 6 weeks before his birth, I was devastated, but ecstatic at the birth of my baby, confused by these conflicting emotions and the onset of PND, when I eventually sought help the doctor sent me to a psychologist who told me, my life wasn’t that bad, there were people much worse off than me and I should give my self a shake, be grateful for what I had and get on with it.  He may or may not have mentioned the word “selfish.”

I was so shocked, it had taken so much courage to ask for help, it was against my whole belief system, but this was a problem I couldn't resolve alone.

I was broken, but it confirmed what I knew I wasn’t enough and I didn’t deserve help, or time or the thoughts or love of other people – I wasn’t enough.

Living in a hostile world with only yourself to rely on and no well-honed strategies apart from cut and run when they hurt you, (which they will) is exhausting.  Physically, emotionally mentally exhausting, as a long-term life strategy.

So, I developed my coping mechanisms, I became great at disappearing into my inner world, where I dreamt of validation or even revenge – showing them I was enough, that I did deserve to be heard seen, and loved.

Unmasking the Flaw in My Belief System

I was also convinced that my children wouldn’t suffer as I had done, they would be heard, they would know they were more than enough, but what I didn’t figure at that point was exactly what I “knew” as a child, that when the words and actions don’t match, we firstly believe the feelings, then slowly we lose touch with our intuition (it’s taught out of us) and we believe the words – but they don’t feel like the truth, so we assume we are flawed.

That flaw – I began to understand as I began to parent my children was the real truth behind why I believed I wasn’t enough.

It wasn’t the words or actions of my mother, a therapist or anyone else at a particular moment, it was that my intuition was taught out of me.

I was taught to believe the words of my elders, my superiors, the doctors, the teachers, the priests.

I was taught that their words were truth and that my intuition, my gut, and my inner knowing were flawed.

Therefore, I was flawed, I wasn’t enough!

I understood that if I wanted a different outcome for my children, I had to bring my words and my beliefs into alignment.  I had to be enough, for me, to teach them that they were enough.

My journey home to me

That’s where my journey began, I couldn’t do it for me, but I could do it for them.

In those early days of, what I know call my journey home to me, I often felt like I was learning how to be by watching my children, learning from them. 

I felt like we were all children, growing together, allowing my inner child, little Allison find her voice, talk of her fears, her worries, her successes, her dreams, all that had been suppressed in her past.  Some people refused to hear me and I had to find the strength to let them go, either physically or emotionally – that was tough – to make those choices without caveat.

Healing isn’t linear or always pretty

It wasn’t all beautiful, there were tantrums, and some hard boundaries to set that needed me to really step up and champion myself.

I learned how to confront situations and people’s behaviours rather than cutting and running,  I have learned that I’m enough, but that belief needs to be constantly nurtured or it can fast dissolve and be even more quickly replaced by the old feelings and beliefs.

At the beginning of my journey, I thought I was alone, the only one, terminally unique as a friend of mine jokes, but I learned, as I opened up and spoke about my experiences that there are many of us and we deserve to be heard, to be seen, to be loved as we are.

We need support to heal, to know that we are enough, that we deserve love, and that we can command respect and set boundaries.

Conclusion

The truth is you ARE enough! You deserve love, respect and happiness. You have every right to set boundaries for yourself without feeling guilty or selfish. Remember: your intuition is not flawed – it's your guiding light towards self-love and acceptance.

I hope you take courage from my story; embrace your inner child's voice; allow yourself space for fears and dreams alike; nurture your belief in your worthiness; and remember that you are not alone. You are enough, just as you are.