Are you questioning your marriage? You aren’t sure you even love your husband.
You think you know what you want to do but there is always a reason not to do it, in fact, you’ve put thinking about it on the back burner until January!
Let me tell you why this is the worst idea ever!
No! First let me ask you a question, how many other times have you found a reason to put off facing your marital struggles? Each birthday, yours, his, the kids, your mother, his mother, the dogs, wedding anniversaries, summer holiday, Easter break, school exam time, Thanksgiving, Christmas? I’ll bet if you are honest you will be able to add to this list.
It sounds plausible, logical even and you won’t find many people questioning your reasoning…….but I’m not most people I’m a relationship coach who watches women effectively throw away their marriages and there personal choice using just such plausible justifications.
Here is the thing, one client of mine experienced two Christmases ago – luckily for her we had finished working together and she had all the tools at her fingertips, but she forgot and fell into the pattern of putting everyone first, being the perfect mother, throwing the best Christmas ever and guess what she ruined not just for herself but for those closest to her – her children. She ended in a fight with her daughter, nasty words were exchanged and all her preparation and good intention were gone.
Miserably she stood on the balcony overlooking the beautiful city of Rome, feeling utterly dejected and full of self-loathing – how had she managed to ruin the day after all her good intentions.
Then she realised, that in all the plans she had made, she didn’t feature anywhere. She had dropped her self-care routines, she had thrown herself into making this fabulous for everyone, without asking what she really wanted.
Then, of course, she was hurt, because the family didn’t reciprocate.
With this realisation, she was able to make peace with herself, apologise to her daughter and graciously accept an apology from her daughter. And of course, let go and enjoy the rest of the day.
Lesson learned – She now has irrefutable proof that putting herself first is the most loving act possible for herself and also for those she cares about.
Do you relate to that -I certainly do and for the longest time I didn’t have the tools I teach my clients, so I couldn’t get out of the mess I was creating and here is why.
We put our lives, our personal needs, our desires, our problems on hold and throw ourselves into creating for others what we truly want for ourselves.
Then, we get tired, our resistance is low and our expectations sneak in. You find yourself thinking (or even saying) “After all I’ve done for you…….!!!”
Are you upset because no one takes you into account, or worse still you’re ridiculously pleased when someone does something kind for you?
Surely putting yourself at the end of a very long list isn't teaching your husband or your kids to love and respect you. They can't because they don't see you doing it. In fact what you are teaching those around you is - You aren't important!!
Telling yourself you are too busy to take time for you, whether it is working on personal development, or your favourite hobby or visiting the gym, when you let it slide - what message are you giving other people?
- Your time is worth less than theirs!
- Your happiness is worth less than theirs!
Do you find yourself complaining that no one takes you into account – how can they, they don’t know they have to and they don’t know how.
They have been taught to react when you explode or sulk (whatever your modus operandi is)
They will only ever treat you as well as you treat yourself. Our outburst, is met with raised eyebrows or even raised voices, the significance being – Oh there she goes again, she always gets stressed at this time of year, let’s humour her a little.
Anything for an easy life!
What message are you giving children?
The girls watch and emulate their mothers or rebel against this and the boys will treat women as their mother has taught them – if its good enough for my mother then it’s good enough for you.
So here we are fast approaching the end of 2017 and what have you done?
I know you are promising yourself you will get Thanksgiving and Christmas out of the way then you will give it your full attention.
Surely, but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, resolving the problems in your marriage should be more than a New Year's resolution.
Look at your history, how long have you been stuck here – not knowing whether you want to stay married or not?
Don’t wait until New Year, let's be honest how many of last years resolutions made it beyond January.
Make a decision that 2018 is going to be the year you take control of your life, your happiness and you ware going to show the world that you deserve it.
So if you are saying to yourself I do something in January, ask yourself what is not taking action costing you?
- Financially – well divorce is expensive and more so if it is litigious and is guilt making you spend more on those presents than normal?
- Emotionally – keeping busy to avoid feeling and dealing with your emotions, is exhausting and draining.
- Physically – well not dealing with our emotional pain has a physical side effects some serious it is believed and more simply with all the busyness to avoid dealing with the problems.
- Mentally – the torture of all that thinking about how to resolve this, what can you do, what have you done, all those postmortems of actions taken, arguments and the planning that goes into every sentence, every exchange to ensure that you get the words just right and your partner has no room to misunderstand.
So what bullshit story are you telling yourself and what are you prepared to do let it go and stand in your power?