Self Love is a process they told me. You can’t sell a process.
People don’t want to know how they want to know what is in it for them. They want transformation. They want the successful business, they want the beach body or to save their marriage.
They will never buy the process I was told and that is why you need a niche, so I niched and became a relationship coach working with women who were unhappily married but unsure whether they really wanted to work on saving their marriage or create an exit strategy.
This is a super important question to have answered for yourself before beginning any new communication with your partner and this is where often counselling fails. People do what they think they “should” be doing without actually checking in with themselves first. They do “the right thing” only to discover that it is, in fact, the wrong thing for them as a couple or as two individuals.
What I have discovered is that those women who are entirely open to the process of “self-love” and are able to let go of the outcome are the very women who are happier, more content and have a healthier outlook on their future and are more likely to create and achieve a life they truly desire
Those who get caught up in the result (i.e. saving their marriage, transforming their relationship) miss out on the beauty of the journey. They are ticking boxes on a to-do list, if I add 1 to 2 then I will surely get 3.
And often that is the case, but you are limiting your self to your own infinite possibility and you are limiting your marriage by your own imagination.
I was one of the very lucky ones who began my journey with no destination in mind beyond “Oh God I can’t do this any more, I can’t live, feel and exist like this any more.”
I was broken emotionally, mentally and spiritually and when I surrendered to the idea that my own thinking and my own actions could no longer save me from my own mental torture. I became willing to be taught how to approach living differently. That approach is what I call becoming Loved Again – not by a partner, not by my family, friends or colleagues – but by YOU! This is a journey homewards, where you unlearn all you know about love and begin the to learn to love yourself just as you are, warts, character defects, mistakes, harms done and all.
The Problem is never the problem – it is the symptom and the starting point for our journey.
This isn’t always an easy journey – but the alternative becomes unthinkable over time. Without making peace with that which feels so flawed how can we ever expect to know and understand why we are where we are? Without accepting the reality of our situation, the where and why I am now can, to understand how you guided yourself to this place, through every decision or reaction to the world around you. Until you know what stories and patterns are running your subconscious – how can you know what you truly desire from your experience on earth.
In the case of my clients an unhappy marriage, it could be a dead-end career with a bully boss, being overweight and unhealthy, a deep sense of dissatisfaction with the world around you. It could be deep self-loathing or a lack of confidence that leaves you unable to connect to those around you in a meaningful way.
Whatever your situation, whatever you’re looking to address. The problem isn’t the problem – it is merely the symptom of your own relationship with self and how willing you are to accept, value and love yourself.
So tell me Self Love is a Process and I can’t disagree, but it is so much more than that.
It is life journey, it is your compass for living, it is your key to deep unfettered connection with others and the only reason that you won’t enjoy the process is if you are so caught up in arriving at your destination that you forget to check out the scenery along the way.
So is “Self Love” a process? Hell Yes!
Is there a destination? God, I hope not, if so it means I’m limiting my chance of living my life to the full and I’m falling into the trap that made me so unhappy in the first place. The quagmire of my mind where I believe that I know what’s best, where I am limited by my imagination and my experience of the world. What I have come to believe is there are many pit stops along the way, time to arrive, take breaks and check in. “Does this still feel good?” “Am I settling?” “What do I need to learn from this”?
In order to not closes our minds to infinite the opportunities afforded us, we must be mindful not to get too stuck in the desire to reach out destination and limit our enjoyment of the journey.
Let's make the journey the destination!
Set your compass, by all means, check the route, it is always easier to break out of our comfort zone (**note this is often a place of great discomfort – where we feel secure in our knowledge of handling situations and surviving, there is no expansion in a comfort zone. The comfort zone is where we spin the wheels and eventually – if you are lucky like I was – you will burn out the engine and need to ask for help).
If I look at my own journey, there were many areas of my life where I felt dissatisfied, luckily it was difficult to identify one to give my full attention to, so I turned my attention where I knew I could make a difference – inwards. I began with myself, my relationship with me. The stories I have bought into, the defence mechanisms I had developed to survive thus far, the mistakes I had made but felt unable to forgive myself for.
The isolation I felt in this big world, I felt like I was living behind a glass wall, I could see you, you could see me we could talk but we could never really connect, not more than superficially.
In the course of my personal journey, my development, my search for connection to source (which incidentally began within and allows me to deeply and honestly connect with those around me; I have met others on my path, others who are looking connection, change, deepening their self-awareness – not to attain something, but more to let go of all they believed and kept them prisoner.
They too have learned that this process of self-awareness and self-acceptance is the destination and not just the process.
I call this journey the journey homewards becoming Loved Again & Forever, for it is through this process, this awakening of self, of connection to source and desire to understand as well as be understood that we then can become open to our true desires, our deepest dreams, those which form our life purpose and our reason for being. The sense we have deep within that we have lost connection too, out intuition or instinct. This is the journey and the destination all rolled into one, but when we fixate on what our mind tells us is best we miss it all.
On my journey home to me I have stepped into my power as a women, I have created connections with people that are beyond my imagination, I have redefined what a happy healthy relationship is and share that with my husband, I have lost people along the way and made space for new wonderful friendships which help me grow in self-love.
I have become the confident woman I always felt was lurking inside, I have taken stock of my life and made peace with the mistakes I made, the hurts I caused other people and myself. I have attempted to make amends for behaviour I couldn’t change until I understood why I reacted as I did and deepened my sense of self-respect and
I found the courage to changed career, and keep growing and connecting the dots, reaching other women who felt that they too were living behind a glass wall and help them begin their journey.
These are beautiful side effects they were never the destination. The destination was deep inside me, my own sense of self-love, where I strive to be for me what I previously craved deeply from others.
So before you start solving the problem with the same mindset that created the problem, take a step back, remember the problem is only a symptom of something that is amiss inside of you, get curious, get open-minded and get intimate with yourself, work on the pillars of self love and become willing you are to accept, value and love yourself. Then open your mind and your imagination and start following the life you were meant to have and don’t get trapped believing you know what is best for you, you know only the smallest part of the picture.
If you are done with lurching from one problem or one heart-ache to the next and you are ready to deal with the issue rather than the symptom then lets talk - Book an entirely free and super clarifying Connection Call With me.